A time that is lost

Here I am in north Carolina, living in such a way that I never expected. It feels as though that the strings of time have come over my family and we are living as one did in the prairie days. My mother makes bread (I tried once and it didn't turn out, but I'll try again soon). We wash our clothes by hand and hang it to dry out side. though times are tough for everyone, we are still managing to come together as a family and be blessed for what we have.

Climbing out from a watery grave

The nature of this post is all about my emotions, and never took on a physical quality I assure you.

I thought if I was on the edge of a cliff, looking below at the swirling water I would be the one to jump. In fact I did, but not in the way you would think. I jumped, but not to end my life as I previously thought, but to start my life anew, though I didn't know I was starting over until I slammed into the rocks and realized I wasn't hurt as badly as I thought. I still got hurt, but it quickly brought to mind that I would be OK. I could see the sun. I feel like I am a different person and I want to be. I am tired of being the girl who is always pleasing others but not her self. I want to be apart of my life and not waiting for it in the shadows. I will continue on in a new direction.

On the edge of rain and sea

It has been raining here for the last several days. a consistent drizzle that never ends. I do not mind this. It goes along with how I am feeling and I welcome it. Normally I love the rain. It has a calming affect on me. This time it just adds to the misery I am feeling inside. I feel as though I am on a cliff face, over looking a sea. My thoughts are crashing among the rocks below. As hard as I try to be happy, I can't seem to rise above it. I push everything away. My faith, my family, my friends. I want to get away from everything I know, but I can't because I know that won't help. At this time it feels as though nothing will. I thought that if I accepted having CP that would change things, but I am finding out now that it hasn't. I don't know where I am or going. I know that the light of the sun will guide me. If there is one thing I need to believe in it is that.

Pre-dawn

Last night I went to bed around mid-night. This morning I woke up at 5:40 am. Oddly enough I don't feel tired, though by the end of the day I'll be ready for bed. There is something to be said about early morning. It is quiet, peaceful, and I feel it is the best time for me. The lighting of morning is like no other time of day and I am my true self, shining through, if only for a moment.

The life of having CP

Today I went to physical therapy, where I was told my hips are over used and out of line. I now get to go to PT for 3 weeks, twice a week, where in the end I'll be reevaluated and go from there. In the mean time I am to do variations of the bridge pose exercise to strengthen my legs, hips and core. To some of you this may seem like no big deal. To me it seems almost impossible, Because I have CP, holding a bridge pose is very difficult for me, especially where I am affected, on the left side. I am willing to get stronger and give this a try, and hopefully I don't over do it.

Wired...

I am a water person. I go with the flow on most things. I am highly emotional, empathic to what other's are feeling, as well as show my emotions to others. I am an emotional healer. Since I am a Gemini, there is another element I consider myself strong in. That is the element of air. I am flighty sometimes, but I am also very intuitive. I use my hands a lot, for that is my strongest asset. I never considered myself to be a fire or earth person, until now...
This morning I woke up around 6am, though truthfully I have been tossing and turning since about 3am. I am not sure what it is. I feel energized, restless, anxious, all of these feelings. I want to dance, shout, scream, just keep moving. There is untapped potential yet to be unearthed within me. I am finding that I have a creative spark, a buzzing of electric energy that is all around me. In essence I am a live wire. My energy is chaotic at the moment, but when it is directed at a source, it will have loads of potential, I just need to find my out let and keep myself grounded.